By Cathren Housley
Dear C and Dr. B;
My wife nagged me enough that I went to my doctor about getting short of breath climbing stairs. My doctor looked at my history, asked some questions, and then told me that I was developing lung disease and he wanted to send me for a stress test to see how my heart was. I did not do well on the test. I was told that I had to quit smoking and lose about 50 pounds, or I was headed for a heart attack and COPD.
I know that I need to stop smoking and lose weight. But it is much easier for a doctor to give me that advice than it is to do it. I joined a gym. I have tried to quit smoking, but I get agitated out of my mind. I got that expensive nicotine gum, but it does nothing. I even got a prescription from my doctor, but that didn’t work either. My wife complained so much about the way I kept snapping at her that I just gave up. Now instead of smoking where people can see me, I hide. I don’t want to hear it, because they just don’t know how hard it is. I read that there are heroin users who quit smack, but they could never quit smoking. So, what am I supposed to do? My wife is on my case, and I’m lying to my doctor because I am sick of his blithe suggestions and smug, righteous attitude. I just want to smack the guy in the face. The more I try to follow his advice, the more irritable I get. My wife is ready to divorce me. Will power alone is getting me nowhere. Help!!!!
Cantankerous Hank
C says: I know how hard it is, Hank. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known to man, and dieting is a bitch. But I can see something else – quitting isn’t something you really want to do. That’s what is making it impossible. You are facing the battle of a lifetime and your heart isn’t in it. If you have maintained your habits for decades, they have sent roots into every fiber of your being. When you try to remove them, everything inside of you is going to feel torn apart, and wrong. If you don’t believe in what you are doing, you won’t make it. Even if you DO want to change, you will need to acquire new coping tools to use against the pain, the discomfort, the confusion, depression and anger. You’ve probably been pushing a lot of feelings down with your habits and they’re all going to come out. You are going to need HELP. But I don’t see you getting help right now. I see you hiding and playing silly games while your health deteriorates.
Before you do anything else, YOU have to decide to change – not because your doctor or wife want you to, but because your life is worth it. If you don’t think your life is worth it, then just keep hiding and playing games, but if you have any consideration, you’ll arrange your own funeral now and make sure your insurance is up to date. Your wife doesn’t deserve to pay for your bad decisions.
Dr. B: Inertia is at play here, Hank. It’s always hardest to start a new behavior, and then easier as you keep it going. But the only way to really fight any addiction is a change in personal philosophy followed by a change in behavior that has to be repeated every day for the rest of your life.
The fact that you are not giving up smoking, despite the fact it is killing you, epitomizes your sense of self-worth. People who value their life aren’t so willing to throw it away. Let’s face it: Life can be absurd; it often doesn’t match what you expected, or what it was promised to be. But why not see quitting, and the challenges it brings, as an act of defiance? When life tells you, “You are no good, you will never amount to anything,” many people get angry or bury their disappointment in drugs, alcohol, binge shopping or sexual acting out. You’ve buried yours in cigarettes and food. But choosing instead to embrace the absurdity and own your suffering says: “I don’t think so!” It may be an eternal struggle, but this defines you as a rebel, not as one defeated.
Happiness and health are both choices you have to fight to sustain every moment of every day. Just as in The Myth of Sisyphus, you have to push that rock up the hill forever. It is not supposed to be easy. Rebelling against your wife or doctor just shifts the blame to them; it does you no good. If you can accept the pain that giving up cigarettes will bring, you can win this one – but only if you do it for yourself.
You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com